she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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