You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
