Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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