if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
tell me about the eggs
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