Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just gargled with NyQuil
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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