i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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