That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
