So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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