Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
