I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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