i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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