im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
