I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
