Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
