he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
