I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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