Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
