I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
