I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
