I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
