Everything about him screamed your future.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
