But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
