Your face is a jimmy john
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
