Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize