I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
