Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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