I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
