if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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