Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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