I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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