I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
