It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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