i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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