I want to walk on stilts...naked
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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