and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
