We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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