btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Drunk is a universal language darling
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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