I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize