I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
