i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
organizing the empties. That sober.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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