Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
