So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
