sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
you made out with another girl for some wings
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