Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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