i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
