I wish I could teleport
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
