I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
