I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
