My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
