i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize