My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
