Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize