It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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