he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
