fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
