Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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