her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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