I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
