why didn't you poke me back
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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