just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
