Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
